


beyond the howls of lament

by Brim



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Family Dynamics, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury Recovery, set after SoR and Mugen fate eps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:01:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23262130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brim/pseuds/Brim
Summary: "If Nehan wake up...Um, for instance...Nehan be sad. Much angry."
Relationships: Nehan & Mugen (Granblue Fantasy), Nehan & Six | Seox (Granblue Fantasy)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> post-SoR and post-Mugen fate eps, I cope

_“This might sting. Hold still.”_

_“Mugen feel nothing—Ouch!” Mugen flinched. His hand trembled and Nehan paused._

_“That’s what you get for trying to juggle boulders while carrying them…” Nehan mumbled under his nose and waited for Mugen to calm down enough to continue disinfecting wound._

_There was an overnight landslide in Mugen’s village outskirts. The following morning, he tried to clean it up in order to dig out more bones to bury. However, the giant had grown impatient and in a reckless effort to finish early - he picked up too much debris at once. The weight overwhelmed him eventually and Mugen dropped the load roughly, harshly scrapping his hands in the process._

_Nehan’s ears straightened at the sound of the commotion, but now they were lowered and facing forward._

_“Mugen promise Mugen more careful next time.”_

_“Good. I would be very thankful for that.” Nehan answered dryly and sighed. He finished cleaning the scrapes, making sure there was nothing embedded in the wounds, and put a gauze on a particularly harsh cut on the back of Mugen’s hand. Then, he applied pressure on it for a few moments. When the bleeding stopped, Nehan let go of Mugen’s hand._

_“With that body of yours, I doubt any scars will form.” Nehan commented and huffed a breath, amused by his own observation. Mugen blinked. The Draph pointed towards Nehan and Nehan gave him a questioning look._

_“Does Nehan…in pain?” Mugen hesitantly put a finger on Nehan’s wrist and gently traced over the scarred flesh on the exposed sliver of skin between jacket and glove. Nehan’s eyes widened._

_“No, I’m not in pain.” Nehan quickly composed himself and said coolly. “Pain doesn’t bother me.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Really.”_

_“Well…Pain no bother Mugen too!”_

_“Didn’t you cry the other day from burning your tongue again because you were impatient?” Nehan furrowed his brows and Mugen pouted, slight embarrassment dusting his cheeks._

_“Mugen can still try!” He protested in an effort to save face._

_“You don’t have to.” Nehan sighed again. “If you’re wounded, you should treat it instead of bearing with it. Otherwise, it might get worse. For example, an infection could cause a fever and complications, such as slowing down or stopping the healing process. That could cause the wound to rot and if measures aren’t taken fast, and your body can’t handle the strain, then…”_

_Nehan blinked and stopped talking when he noticed the horrified look on Mugen’s face._

_“Mugen can die?!” The Draph was shaking again, this time in fear._

_“I’m not saying that you necessarily will…” Nehan stuttered. “Ah…how did I get myself into this…” There was a dejected look on the Erune’s face. He exhaled and started again. “Mugen, you won’t die from a few scrapes and cuts…Er, well—…actually, you survived your village’s poisoning so you should be fine regardless.”_

_“Oh, Mugen is fine?” Mugen calmed down. Nehan smiled._

_“Yes, you are healthy and if you get injured again, I’ll just take care of you.”_

_“Oh! Mugen very happy!” Excited by the news Mugen leaped forward, wrapping his hands around Nehan in a tight hug. Nehan’s ears rose in alert, body momentarily stiffened, but the shock caused by the sudden bear hug quickly passed before he could do anything reckless. Instead, Nehan slumped into the embrace, certain that fighting against it is futile._

_“Just saying thank you is fine…”_

_“Thank you, Nehan!”_

…

A few days passed since things in Stardust Town started settling down after the chaos caused by the Magasin. With the help of the crew, the reconstruction efforts were carried out swiftly.

Mugen, motivated by guilt, but also his desire to help, was also a crucial part to the rebuilding. With his massive body and powerful physique, the children had likened him to a hero and Mugen started looking at his work as a game, rather than a chore. Work was good, he thought, it was a good distraction.

“Mugen! I want to sit on your shoulders!”

“Mugen, let’s put the rocks in here!”

“Ah, Mugen! Be careful, there’s glass there!”

The twins were adamant about not letting the kids do any physical labor, but Mugen’s presence made them want to help as well, so eventually Esser and Quatre relented and allowed them to do clean up duties such as sweeping and cleaning windows. The sound of songs and children’s laughter filled the streets of Stardust Town.

Meanwhile, Nehan was still sleeping peacefully. Whenever he was free, Mugen spend most of his time by his side, sometime even falling asleep on the floor of his room.

The children’s worried expressions whenever they came to invite him for snacks or to play was not something that went unnoticed. Song tried her best to make sure Mugen slept and ate while she was still around, but she was called to an emergency elsewhere and had to leave. Since then, supervising Mugen became more difficult. 

“You should eat.” Six told him. The Eternal was standing with his arm crossed, leaning against the wall, closest to the door and trying to appear as unbothered and leisure as possible. 

“Funf and Esser said…Mugen be careful.” The Draph’s shoulders were slumped and he looked completely depressed.

When Mugen and the crew found Nehan on Affeils Island, the crew’s captain advised him to watch his power, least he accidentally hurt Nehan. Mugen just stood back and watched it all happen, feeling helpless and hapless.

After Nehan was healed by Funf, they warned Mugen again to be careful around him and ever since then Mugen tried his best not to touch him and stay at least two meters away from his bed.

“Did they tell you to eat? You skipped lunch.” Six straighten his back and moved towards him. The Eternal’s head was lowered, focused on the ground in order to avoid looking at the unconscious person in the bed.

“Yes.” The giant answered, looking away in guilt.

“You have to eat and take care of yourself. Otherwise, you’ll get sick.”

“Uhm.” He nodded slowly. “For example…bad health cause Nehan worry.”

“Yes. But it also makes us worry for _you_.” The sudden, loud growl coming from Mugen’s stomach punctuated Six’s urging.

“Worry…” Mugen repeated, remembering the sad looks Esser and Song often gave him. “Mugen apologize.”

“…It’s fine.” Six told him after a momentary pause. “There’s soup and bread in the kitchen, you should—”

The Draph stood up. Underneath the mask, Six smiled content that Mugen agreed to go and eat without putting up much of a fight.

“Yes, Mugen go.” Mugen nodded and carefully scooted out of the room, leaving Six alone.

A particularly strong breeze blew into the room and Six’s cloak fluttered wildly. The Eternal quickly went to the window and closed it least the wind knocked over the vases and flowers on the bedside table and caused a mess.

The room calmed and Six sighed. Idly, he straightened out the curtains until he finally decided that it was time to leave. As he left, Six dared to take a single glimpse back - Nehan was still sleeping peaceful.

Six closed the door behind him and exhaled deeply. He knew. He knew that this type of _egotism_ was going to be a harsh burden to carry, when he wanted for an existence such as his to live on with his loved ones and dared to wish to be happy. The captain reassured him that, little by little, it would be easier to carry on, but even then, he…

If there was something, anything, he could do to change things and make them _right_ , for everyone and not just himself, then…

“Oh!”

Six snapped out of his thoughts and raised his head only to see a grinning Siete.

“I may not see it, but I can tell that you’re brooding underneath the mask of yours.” Siete’s tone sounded cheerful, as always, but there was a tired look in his eyes. “What’s wrong, Six?”

“Nothing.” Six quickly denied and tried to push past Siete. However, the fellow Eternal put a hand in front of his chest, causing Six to halt. Six frowned and looked up towards him again, having half a mind to just push past and brush him off, but the rarely serious expression on Siete’s face killed whatever words he was about to say. 

“Don’t let it bother you.” Siete stepped in front of him and put his hands on Six’s shoulders squeezing reassuringly. “If there’s anyone to blame, it’s me.”

“Siete, you—”

“But what’s done is done, and we have to move forward. It’s what we must do to ensure _the greater good_ for the world.”

“Yes.”

_It’s always like that with you…_

Siete let go of him. Six’s shoulders remained slumped.

“I know that.” Six’s ears lowered. “But even then, that doesn’t mean I can just accept and move on from what happened to …”

“Nehan will wake up one day. When that happens, we can work from there.” Siete interrupted him.

“…And until then, might as well make sure those around us are safe and happy.”

“Indeed, Six.” The smile returned to Siete’s face. “Oh right, oh right, that reminds me! The captain was looking for you.”

“The captain? Me?” Six’s ears rose and he looked just about ready to start running to look for them.

“Yes, they’re planning to leave soon and wanted to know whether you were coming.” Siete put a hand in his chin, appearing as if trying to recall whether that was everything.

“I…yes. I am.”

“Right, right, run along now. I’ll remain in Stardust Town for a bit more.” Siete waved after him.

Once alone, Siete sighed deeply and a ran a hand through his hair. Things were going to get messy, he realized, but he decided to just wait and see how it would play out.

…

_“Nehan wake up, Mugen teach fun.”_

Thanks to Six’s encouragement, Mugen found a new mission in life. And his many _brothers and sisters_ were there to help him with it. 

“Maybe if we have a lot of fun around Nehan, he’s going to wake up and join us!”

Stardust Town was Mugen’s home and it was a home for Nehan as well, the latter also being accepted as a part of this haven for orphans.

“Yes. We need much fun! That way, Nehan wake up.” Mugen grinned.

And that’s how Nehan’s room became a play room of sorts for him and the children. On rainy days or quiet afternoons, the kids gathered to play cards and board games and to sing songs.

“That volume is enough to wake up the dead even.” Quatre commented dryly whenever he visited. The kids and Mugen learned how to be loud when they were away so that Nehan could still hear them and quiet enough when around him as to not disturb him.

And thus, the peace in Stardust Town continued undisturbed. 

…

One particularly sunny afternoon, Mugen had just returned from another trip with the crew and was resting under the shade of a great tree. A few kids around him were playing and discussing a particularly difficult strategy when they saw Esser running towards their little clique.

“Mugen…!” There was a worried expression on her face.

“Ah, Esser!” Mugen stood up and walked towards her. Esser stopped running and took a moment to catch her breath before saying.

“Nehan is awake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! I deeply appreciate your feedback!
> 
> I had to rewatch mugens fate eps at least 3 times for this chapter alone and its the shorter, quicker one; send help 
> 
> also, remember how funf told six theyre gonna apologize to nehan together? yeah, about that...stay tuned!  
> nehan's a mess and things are gonna get a bit messy


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m hoping for Six and Nehan to come out of this unscathed, but that might be wishful thinking on my part…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts

_“I was watering the plants when I heard him call for you …I thought it was my imagination, but when I turned back I saw that his eyes were open and his hand was reaching out.”_

Esser explained briefly as they rushed back in. Mugen didn’t have time to agonize over what he would do or say to Nehan as they entered the room, so he just mentally braced himself.

Nehan was sitting up on his bed, awake and conscious, surrounded by the curiosity and noise of at least a dozen or so kids.

“Nehan!”

“He’s awake…!”

“Someone go find Mugen!”

He was clutching his head, a pained expression behind his hand.

“Nehan…!” Mugen called and the Erune’s ears perked up as his head turned towards the door. Nehan’s eyes widened in mute surprise. “Nehan!”

Mugen happily stomped, almost lunging towards him—

“Mugen…”

_Mugen. I hate you._

When the paralyzing feeling of _dread_ brought his body to a clumsy stop only of a few meters away from the bed. Mugen remained still, with a blank expression on his face and his sight set downwards towards the floor.

“M…Mugen?” Nehan gave him a questioning look and Mugen pursed his lips, hesitant.

“Ah…” Mugen scratched his cheek nervously, unsure of what to say. “Um, hello, Nehan.”

Whenever he imagined Nehan awake, he always imagined them happy and playing together – the same way things used to be, but he never imagined what Nehan would be like _when_ he woke up. In their last conversation, Nehan told him that he hated him and didn’t want to see him ever again.

Mugen promised to himself and his new friends that he wished and wanted to speak to Nehan at least one more time. To stay by his side. But, perhaps it wasn’t the time now - Nehan looked tired. Nehan _was_ tired. And Mugen didn’t want to make him any more tired.

“Mugen sorry. Nehan need rest still.” Mugen said briefly and turned his back, scooting out of the room much to the confused look of Esser, the children and Nehan.

“What’s happening in here?” Quatre commented as he walked past the dejected looking Draph and stepped in the makeshift hospital room. Upon seeing Nehan awake, he made an expression that Esser could only guess was saying _annoyance._

“Nehan, how are you feeling?” Esser tried to smile, but her expression wasn’t as warm as she would like it to be.

“Well, I am…alive.” Nehan said listlessly, staring down towards his blanket. He closed his eyes and exhaled. “I feel fine.”

Quatre’s brow raised in skepticism, but Esser nodded slowly.

“Things might seem overwhelming at first…And I’m sure you’re still tired.”

“Do you remember the last thing that happened.” Quatre inquired with a neutral tone.

“I was at Affeils.” He recalled. “I was at the inn when one of the …” His thoughts trailed off and he stopped talking.

“I see.” Quatre said coolly. “A remnant of the mafia found you.”

Nehan nodded slowly in confirmation.

“Betrayal in the mafia is an unforgivable sin.” He answered.

“Well, then.” Quatre said casually. “You’re lucky that mafia goon didn’t finish you off then.”

“Lucky, huh?” He mumbled lowly, more to himself than anyone else. Nehan looked up towards the twins. “Where did Mugen go?”

“Dunno.”

“—Mugen will be back later.” Esser quickly deflected, trying her best to quickly figure out the reason Mugen abruptly left. “I’m sure of it.”

“I see.”

…

Most people in Stardust Town kept their distance, except for Mugen. Esser tasked him with bringing food to Nehan and Mugen did so eagerly, but most of his visits were silent.

Nehan didn’t talk or eat much - usually he was just staring listlessly out of the window. Mugen was beginning to think that the Nehan disliked the food, until one day he mustered up the knowledge to ask him.

“No, the food is delicious.” Nehan smiled at Mugen weakly. It was the first time in a long time since Mugen saw him smile.

Meanwhile, Nehan was starting to feel mildly exasperated. Despite feeling fine, he was encouraged to remain in bed, but being bedridden and lacking the uniform suit he was so used to wearing left him feeling somewhat vulnerable. He realized that he probably lost his mask during the attack.

Furthermore, news of Nehan being awake were quick to spread and the island soon had many visitors.

 _Without a doubt that crew was also on the island…_ Nehan thought idly.

One morning, a small gathering led by Lecia formed in his room. Knowing that Lecia was present as a representative for the Enforcers, gave Nehan an idea about what the pretext for this meeting would be, but he was surprised to see a few extra faces walk in – the twins, that crew’s captain and—

Six was also present. The Eternal tucked himself away in the far corners of the room and trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. The longer he stayed in the room, the more Six wanted to leave, but he knew that he mustn’t. The captain urged him to come and he promised Nehan not to leave him alone - how could he face the captain or their father if he broke his promises?

Occasionally the crew’s captain gave Six a worried look.

“Ah, good. Thank you for coming. I would have wished for Siete to be here as well, but he was occupied elsewhere.” Lecia managed to smile despite the odd tension in the room. Nehan stared at her blankly. “Nehan…” Her voice steeled as she spoke. “I know it may be difficult to talk about it at present, as you are still recovering, but about the investigation of the massacre of Karm…”

Nehan frowned. Six swallowed hard.

“Since the claimant and the accused are both present that I was hoping that—”

“You’re still wasting your time with that?” Nehan interjected flatly. Lecia gaped back at him in silence. “Then to make it simpler…” He said and sighed. “I officially retract my accusation.”

The room stilled for a few moments.

“Hah? Just like that?” Quatre looked skeptical. He was the first to recover from the surprise.

“Just like that.” Nehan confirmed and shrugged dismissively.

“But the investigation…!”

“In the end, justice was dictated by destiny.” It was brief, perhaps too fast and too subtle for anyone else to notice, but Nehan’s eyes darted towards Six momentarily. The look was sharp – Six felt the cold, unpleasant clutches of guilt travel down his spine and towards his belly.

 _I’m the one who did this to you. I’m the one preventing you from finding peace._ Six idly recalled the words he spoke to Nehan amongst the ruins of Karm.

“What I want the most now is to just…leave this all behind.” Nehan stared down towards his blanket. His eyes were now empty - distant. He remained silent for a moment longer before his lips quirked into a smile and Nehan chuckled. “If anything, I should be thankful. If it wasn’t for the Eternals and the Enforcers, I wouldn’t have been reunited with Mugen.”

But the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“Mugen found a home here…” Esser said, her thoughts trailing off.

“Yes... You’ve done more than enough for me.” Nehan started carefully. “And, for example, I’ve done more than enough damage to this place as part of the Magasin.”

Quatre’s glare sharpened and Esser frowned.

“But you were also the one who gave us a successful way to treat victims of Serenity Heaven.” Lecia quickly objected and Nehan clicked his tongue.

When the Magasin bought him, they were expecting for Nehan to be a fierce killing machine – the last survivor of a renown clan of assassins, but instead they got a meek and afraid, wounded and starved child. It took a while, and a few extra scars, for Nehan to prove his worth to them. Serenity Heaven was just the start – development, production, distribution of various drugs and medicine were all things he had a hand in as the Pharmaceutical Chief.

 _I was then sold off as a slave and had to eke out a living using my talents!_ The only reason he was even allowed to research cures was purely because it was another way for the Magasin to exploit and therefore gain from people—

Nehan closed his fists and opened them again, briefly recalling the years of pent of frustration and resentment. He exhaled sharply in an effort to calm himself.

“…Despite what our actions may lead you to believe, the Enforcers believe in redemption.” Lecia tried to fill the tense silence in the room. Nehan huffed, suddenly amused.

“My actions were, for example, a bargaining chip.” Nehan replied coldly. “I needed a way for the Enforcers to trust me and my claims.”

“As expected the Pharmaceutical Chief of the Magasin family is quite the businessman.” Quatre commented dryly, barely hiding the bitterness in his voice.

“Former.” Six interjected. It was the first time he spoke since he got in and having forgotten he was there to begin with, Quatre simply _glared_ at Six.

“Do you have any idea how much damage his actions did? How many children suffered. Our brothers and sisters were….” Quatre almost yelled towards the end. Esser took a step closer and squeezed her brother’s hand, trying to calm him down.

“Sister!” Quatre whined and turned to her.

“You are correct.” Nehan quickly replied, tone neutral. He idly scratched his cheek, feeling the sudden lack of his mask. “I’m the man responsible for the production of Serenity Heaven, therefore you have more than enough reasons to resent me.”

Six grew tense. It didn’t take much for him to realize that Nehan was lying.

_He’s trying to get himself killed again._

“So, you are fully in your rights to, for example, throw me out.”

“I refuse.” Six blurted out, which caused the entire room to look back at him. Upon realizing that he spoke out loud, Six’s ears twitched nervously. “I….” He stuttered. The captain gave him an encouraging nod. “…Are we forgetting that the Magasin is still hunting for him?”

The expression Quatre gave him told him that the other Erune didn’t care.

“I can take care of myself.” Nehan calmly said, not turning to Six specifically. “And I wouldn’t want to trouble you further.”

Six swallowed hard, wishing to find something, anything to say to Nehan, to show him otherwise, but he found the words stuck in his throat like a chocking clump. Helpless. Hapless. Useless. He couldn’t do a damned thing without someone saving him.

“I don’t think I’ll ever truly forgive you for your past deeds…” Esser started diplomatically. “But…you’ve become a part of this city. This family. And we don’t abandon our own.”

Nehan gave her a confused look and Esser’s expression softened.

“Mugen would be sad.”

Nehan’s ears lowered and he looked away, expression barely contained as a neutral one.

“…I am aware.”

“If you want to help us, then stay. Cure our brothers and sisters.” Nehan didn’t reply and Esser accepted his lack of answer as an agreement. Lecia’s expression brightened and nodded firmly in confirmation.

“I am glad that we couldn’t settle things peacefully!” She said, content with this resolution. The captain shrugged and awkwardly smiled at her.

…

The following afternoon, when Mugen came to visit, he heard them talking to each other from behind the door.

“You will stay here.” Six started, tone firm behind the mask. Mugen neared his head to the doorframe so he could hear better. He didn’t like the idea of spying on them – it was disrespectful, but his curiosity was too great. “It’s safe here.” Six continued. “The Magasin won’t dare to look for you this deep in enemy territories.”

There were a few moments of tense silence before Mugen heard Nehan answer.

“So you intend to confine me like the way your parents did to you?” Nehan’s tone was calm and cold. Dismissive – he sounded just like when he and Mugen spoke during that assault on Stardust Town by the Magasin. 

Six didn’t answer. Another few moments of complete stillness passed until Mugen heard footstep and as they were coming closer—Mugen stepped away just in time to hide behind the door when Six stormed out of the room.

“Six…” Mugen called after him hesitantly, but whether Six heard him or choose to ignore him was not something Mugen knew. Mugen peeked back into the room and saw that Nehan was blankly staring outside the window again. A few children were playing on the front porch – their cries could be easily heard from the garden.

“You heard our conversation, didn’t you?”

“Oh…” The Draph slowly walked in, head hung low in apology. He eyed the lunch tray placed on the bedside table and saw that it was untouched. “Nehan sound…angry.”

“Is that so?” Nehan’s head tilted slightly and he finally turned back to Mugen to address him properly. His expression was blank. “I guess I am.”

“Nehan…”

“I’m tired. Could you please let me rest a bit longer?” Without waiting for a reply, Nehan lied down on his bed and tucked himself with the blanket so that only the upper half of his face was showing. 

“Um, yes.” Mugen nodded energetically. “Nehan need energy to recover! Lots of energy!”

“Yes…”

That had been the most the two spoke since Nehan was awake.

…

It was about another week or so later that Nehan started venturing outside of his room. Short walks around the house and sitting by the small veranda – anything to have a change from the monotonous confinement of his room.

Most kids regarded him with odd looks, some even stared, but Nehan ignored them for the most part – the children of this town were curious, and he didn’t mind it.

One particularly lazy morning, he was reading while seated on bench in front of the house when his ears twitched upon hearing the sound of cloth rustling.

“Oh! You must be Nehan!” A voice called for him somewhere from above and Nehan turned his head upwards. _Funf_ , he recalled upon seeing the girl casually float closer and closer to him. “Good morning, Nehan! As your doc, I deserve a full report of how my patient is doing!”

Nehan gave her an amused smile and he huffed. It was more than _odd_ to have a little girl as his doctor, but then again Eternals were all a group of _oddballs_.

"You're the one who healed me? I suppose I should thank you." He said, looking down towards his book. “I’ve been fine.”

“Hm…” She hummed. “Whatcha readin’?” Funf floated in closer to peak over his shoulder. The book had detailed sketches of plants and many long and complicated words.

“It’s about the local herbs.”

“Herbs? Plants?”

"Yes." Nehan started, a fond smile on his face. "My family made medicine, not just for us but for the rest of the clan as well."

_Nehaan! What is that? Are those flowers?_

_Oh, it’s some herbs I collected for mother…_

Nehan winced as he felt a sharp pain in his temple, but the pain passed just as quickly as it came.

"Ooh!" Funf exclaimed, but then made a difficult expression. Nehan tried his best to ignore her and continued reading the passage.

The silence between them stretched out until Funf sat down next to him and looked up.

“Nehan is not…feeling okay.” Nehan stared down at her impassively. Funf’s expression was serious. “I can feel it with my magic, y’know?”

He said nothing.

“I know by now that…I can’t heal some wounds with my magic.” She confessed and Nehan tilted his head slightly eyes narrowed. “Some wounds are something no magic can heal.”

“I’m physically fine, thanks to you.” Nehan deflected, hiding the annoyance in his tone.

“That’s not it, you dummy!” Her voice squeaked as she yelled and she blinked, surprised at her own outburst. Nehan’s ears rose, fearing that he’d somehow upset her, but— “Your heart! I’m talking about your heart!”

“Indeed… There are certain wounds that no magic can heal.” Nehan closed his eyes and exhaled. “You either have to learn to live with it or you don’t.”

“Don’t?” The confusion was clear on her face and Nehan hesitated to speak any more. Despite her talents, it wasn’t easy to forget that Funf was still a child, oblivious to many of the world’s cruelty.

“How do I explain this…” He mumbled, more so to himself. “For example, you are a healer and you have the biggest gift of all. The gift of restoring life—But for some people that’s not enough to help them.” His thoughts trailed off and he stopped.

“Not enough?” Genuine curiosity shone in the child’s eyes and Nehan bit his lower lip. “Is Nehan tired? Do you need more sleep?”

“I don’t think sleep can fix this.” He said, amused. Nehan would’ve laugh at it, if it wasn’t true.

“Then food? Food is also important to recovery!” Funf exclaimed. “When I try to use magic when my tummy is empty, there’s just no juice so it won’t work!”

A wry smile made itself on Nehan’s lips – eating food nowadays made his stomach twist and he felt sick, so he barely ate. There was no way she would know, would she?

“It’s not that, either.” He denied. Nehan felt tired - he wanted to go back inside, but…

“Then, what feels bad?” Funf’s voice was growing more demanding. “As your doc, I need to know, so I can help you!”

 _What felt bad?_ Nehan couldn’t even begin, which is why it was easier to just ignore the near constant ache – like a poison slowly killing him on the inside, and he had no cure for it, so why not just…

“I appreciate your concern and I’m thankful for your care.” His tone barely hid his frustration. “But there’s some things you can’t fix, so it’s best to not waste your time on me and just help on those who need it more—”

“But …” Funf stopped, thoughtful. Nehan sighed in relief, thinking that she was willing to drop he matter, until she spoke again. “I might not be able to save everyone, but I want to help you!”

“Don’t bother.” He said curtly. “Some people don’t want help.”

“But why!” She demanded.

“Because they…They…” Nehan stopped, suddenly feeling a lump in his throat and his head span. He inhaled sharply, realizing his breathing was labored.

Nehan was getting too riled up over a _kid_ ’s curiosity. He chuckled lowly to himself and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

“You’ve lost…hope for the future?” Funf inquired. She was making a difficult expression,

“Yeah.” He confessed meekly. “I don’t believe things can get better. This was my fate, it’s always been. I’m …too tired to fight it anymore.”

His heartbeat calmed down. It felt right – he reached this quiet acceptance a long time ago. If anything, his confrontation with Six just reaffirmed his beliefs that there were those that were blessed and those that were cursed.

Nehan had futilely believed that he could change this and overcome his destiny, but …

_You keep me going. You keep me alive in a twisted way. No matter how much I wanted to die, I kept on living because I knew you were still breathing._

In the end he was too weak and tired to fight this losing battle. It was pointless to lament. It was easier to just give up. Not even vengeance was enough to fuel him anymore.

“That’s sad!” Funf’s big eyes welled up with tears. “Nehan, that’s too sad!”

“Ah?”

A tear ran down her face and more followed. Nehan’s blinked, a feeling of dread creeping up to him. _No, no, this isn’t what I meant. Please don’t cry…!_

“Wait, no! Damn it!” He panicked as Funf’s silent weeping turned into full-blown crying and sniffing. “Listen it’s not that bad, so please don’t cry.” He tried to calm her down and play it off, but his laugh came out as insincere.

Eventually Funf calmed down somewhat and excused herself. Nehan didn’t go after her – he couldn’t help and he would only make things worse.

“Damn…” He cursed again and leaned his back against the backrest, dejected. Another one of his countless mistakes.

…

“How are things between you and Nehan?” Song asked him one day, when she came to visit. They were in the kitchen preparing lunch – there were other helpers around, so Song whispered to him while they cooked near each other.

“Ah, Song.” Mugen exclaimed, perhaps a bit too loudly and Song gestured for him to be more silent.

“Funf was crying yesterday, but she didn’t tell me why…” She put a hand under chin in thought – Funf may have been young, but she was a strong girl. She wasn’t one to cry easily.

Ear’s Six perked up, but the two didn’t notice him eavesdropping.

“Funf…Funf said, Nehan sad.” Mugen’s head lowered solemnly. They didn’t talk much beyond that.

“Have you two talked? A long talk?”

“No. Talking to Nehan…Hard.”

“Because of what happened?”

“Mhm.” The Draph nodded. “Nehan said, he hate Mugen.” 

“Do you think he meant it?” Song made a thoughtful hum.

“Don’t …think so.” Mugen didn’t believe that he did, but he was afraid – afraid whether he actually _did_ hate him.

“It’s a misunderstanding!” Song said, confident. “I’m certain that the faster you do it, the sooner you two can have fun!”

“Fun…” Mugen repeated thoughtfully. “Nehan need fun.”

But it would take a little while longer for Mugen to work up the courage.

…

“Six…”

“I know, I know! But…”

“Six!” A second voice called him out.

“It’s not easy! I…I …”

“That’s why we said we’ll do it together, dummy!” Funf wacked him lightly with her staff on his head and Six rose his arms to protect himself. The captain chuckled at their exchange.

“We’ll believe in you.” They said.

“Alright…Let’s go.”

…

The day had been good until a shadow blocked his eyesight and Nehan frowned.

“Nehan…” Six started and Nehan closed his eyes. He straightened his back and stood up, preparing to leave.

“You can have the bench. I was going back to inside anyway.” He turned his back and headed towards the door when he felt heard movement and suddenly _something_ was tugging his arm.

“Nehan, wait!” When Nehan turned, he saw that Six and Funf were holding onto him – Six by the arm and Funf by the shirt, pulling him back.

“We have to talk again!” Funf insisted.

“Please.” Six pleaded.

Nehan clenched his teeth in anger, but he figured that even if he were to go inside and lock his room, they would still find a way in. It was better to just listen to what they had to say.

“Alright, I’ll listen.” He shook himself free of their hold and went back to the bench, leaning against the hand rest and waiting. In the corner of his vision he noticed that captain was playing with some kids, trying their best to appear uninvolved with this.

Funf sat down next to him, while Six remained standing – effectively cornering him. Nehan folded his arms, tense. Six copied the gesture.

“In our last conversation…I said that there was nothing I could say to make it up to you.” Six started again, his body exuded a confidence his tone was lacking.

“Yeah, I remember that.” Nehan quickly said and his eyes narrowed. “Destiny has already decided the outcome of our fight.”

Funf made a thoughtful hum and Six’s ears lowered – clearly nervous.

“I know that apologize is futile, but even then I wanted to—” His voice wavered and Nehan huffed. _How selfish_ , he thought.

“I don’t need your apology. I already forgave you.”

“Perhaps, but what I want…is to help you!”

Nehan laughed. Funf looked up to him with concern.

“Help me?” He quickly calmed himself – he hadn’t laughed in a long time. “What do you possibly think you could do to help me?”

Funf looked down in thought while Six remained silent, unsure of _how_ to say what he wanted to say.

“Do you think your death will bring me comfort? Or that my family coming back would? Do you seriously think it’s things will magically just—” Nehan stopped, realizing that his tone had grown low and bitter. He sighed deeply and relaxed his posture. “Never mind. This is a waste of time.”

The Erune barely took a step when Six blurted out.

“What about Mugen?”

Nehan stopped and turned his head back.

“Mugen found his home here. I am not needed.”

“But he needs you.”

Nehan said nothing, but the skepticism was clear on his face.

“Mugen was by your side every day.” Funf said. “Day after day, he waited for you to come back! So don’t abandon him! Don’t decide for yourself what’s good for Mugen!”

Nehan winced at the callout. Perhaps, he thought, he’d committed far too many mistakes as a parent – aside from being a murderer, he wasn’t the best when it came to _listening_ to Mugen.

But that was all the more reason that he didn’t deserve staying by his side.

“Mugen wants to help, just like us!” Funf said finally. “You’re not alone.”

“Mugen should never have been involved with this—”

“He would follow you to Hell!” Six’s voice rose above his and Nehan felt barely-restrained anger ready to burst out.

“Maybe I don’t want that!” He yelled back and both Eternals were stunned into silence. “Mugen should never have been involved with…with this!” _With me._ Nehan clenched his fists. “By guiding him towards Stardust Town, I hoped that he would find a home and be happy, instead of…” _Having to drag him down in his self-destructive quest for revenge._

The emptiness and despair gnawed at him for years, only living, _surviving_ , by clinging to the distant idea of revenge. When the time came, and he confronted Six in the ruins of Karm, he thought that he might break the curse – and free himself, but once again fate was not in his favor.

While he did manage to free himself after their fight, Nehan’s exhaustion finally caught up to him, so when that remnant of the Magasin found him, Nehan welcomed their retribution.

He thought he was finally _freed_ , but alas he was still alive. 

“You shirked your responsibilities.” Six’s voice was calming and Nehan focused on it instead of spiraling into his own mental purgatory.

“Why did you do it?” Funf inquired. “What do you want to do, Nehan?”

“I want…I want…” Nehan’s voice broke and he sniffed.

_No matter how much I wanted to die, I kept on living, because…I …_

Admitting it was too painful. Funf was right – _it was sad_ , and perhaps he’d known all along how _pitiful_ his existence was, but grown too numb to it to care.

It was easier after all – running away from his responsibilities, suppressing the painful memories of his past, pretending like what the Magasin forced him to do had no effect on him, acting like Mugen’s father— It was all things that made it easy to forget, but living like this had grown too taxing. He was tired, _so tired_ and when he was bleeding out on the floor in that inn on the faraway island, Nehan felt nothing, but relief.

But was that true? He rationalized it all those years ago while helping the fellow Magasin slaves. Was he correct in his conclusion? Did the sorrow warp his vision too much? His head was spinning, but his thoughts came to no concrete solution.

Perhaps, there really was another way?

For example, his clan could’ve abandoned their bloody tradition, focused on medicine and integrated into society.

For example, his clan could’ve refused using the clan leader’s son as

For example, after the tragedy, while still dazed and wounded, he could’ve ended up into the care of kind stranger who would help him, instead of falling in the Magasin’s clutches.

For example, he could’ve escaped the Magasin.

For example, he could’ve abandoned his quest for revenge even after finding out Six’s identity.

For example, he could’ve for example really hid himself and become a doctor in a faraway land.

There were many variables, but this was the timeline that fate decided for him, and it’s what he decided to fulfil. It was _tiring_ to fight _alone_.

But in the end he decided to... What was it that he truly wanted? A memory of him and Mugen on that wretched island he met him on flash before his eyes – he was happy, content and at peace. For a moment he could forget the painful past.

_I want this pain to stop. I want to be at peace. I want…I want to be understood._

“Nehan!” Two voices called out to him and Nehan blinked, a few teardrops falling onto the ground. Funf was floating behind him, one hand clutching her staff, the other placed gently, comfortingly on his shoulder. She looked concern.

Six was hovering in front of him, too close for comfort. He looked like he was about to tackle him.

“What I want is irrelevant, because my fate dictated that it won’t happen!” Nehan quickly denied, trying to keep his voice even, despite the fact that his eyes were still stinging and his face felt hot.

“No!” A voice from behind said.

“At Karm…you told me that you wanted to know whether I have a guardian angel or not.” Six recalled. “But your resolve is shaky.”

“What are you—”

“You were testing fate until the very end! That’s why you told me about Affeils!” Nehan bit his lower lip and Six continued. “You wanted to see whether Mugen or the Magasin would reach you first…and, for that I am _truly sorry_. I was careless.”

Nehan wanted to punch him. He wanted to lash out—and hurt him, but every bone in his body was too tired to fight back anymore. Instead he just wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. In the corner of his vision he saw that crew captain walk away while following a few kids.

“You are a complete fool.” He said instead and Six fidgeted, shifting his weight from one foot to another nervously. “What would _you_ know about that?”

“Everything!” Six said immediately without any hesitance. Nehan remained silent and just staring back at him. “I …I was alone all of my life and I always believe that everyone was against me, because …I am a monster. But people’s kindness pulled me away from the despair I fell in. I may never be able to repent for my sins, but I will try to repay their kindness and share it with others. I must.”

 _Good for you_ , Nehan thought bitterly.

“If anything this proves that our fates are different.” Nehan commented instead.

“Our stories may be different, but I understand how it feels.” Six said confidently. “I also understand that it’s easier to run away and be a coward, but that’s not always the best choice!”

Nehan’s frown deepened.

“Coward?” His brow raised. “From the man too afraid to speak without a mask?”

Immediately and with minimum hesitation, Six removed his mask, thus revealing his face to him for the first time and—Nehan blinked, while Funf’s eyes widened. Six looked away briefly, bashful under their surprised eyes.

…He was younger than Nehan expected. Perhaps, younger than him even.

“Nehan, I understand you!” Six said firmly, looking back towards him. The initial nervousness passed and his conviction grew more and more evident on his expression.

Nehan grimaced – his first feelings were those of disgust and boiling anger, which quickly shimmered down to denial.

_No, you don’t. Someone as blessed as you has no way of understanding how I feel._

…Until it eventually settled to quiet grief, but as much as the he didn’t like to admit it – Six words planted the small seed of hope.

What if there really was another way?

“I understand…how you feel.” Six repeated and made a careful start. “I was also afraid, terrified at first. I thought that…I didn’t deserve to be saved.”

Nehan huffed bitterly. He would’ve agreed that he didn’t long time ago only until recently – After for all the people who Six hurt, were they that many more from those that Nehan hurt? The lives he’d broken apart? Who was the villain in the end?

“That’s also why I want to help you! The world isn’t hopeless Nehan and I promised to you that I won’t leave you to drown in your despair!”

A monster pitying a monster – Six hadn’t given up on Nehan even when Nehan gave up on Nehan. Nehan wanted to laugh again, but instead there was another choked sob.

“Do you even understand what you’re saying…” He meekly said, instead and tried to wipe his eyes again, finding the sleeve of his shirt already soaked.

“Of course we do, you dummy! That’s why we’re here to help you.” Funf yelled at him and Nehan only now remembered that she was there too.

“But what am I to do when—” His voice cracked again.

“There’s always a purpose.” Six explained. “For example…using your knowledge to help people. You regret your actions with the mafia, don’t you? You could use your talents to help people now.”

“Don’t assume how I feel—”

“But he’s right, y’know?” Funf butted in. “The bad mafia made you make bad medicine, but that they’re gone, you can help people!”

“Indeed.” Six agreed. “I never said that the road easy, but…you’re not alone.”

 _I understand you._ As much as he didn’t want to admit it, the words were somewhat comforting. He didn’t know the details about Six’s life past the Karm massacre, but he by seeing the people he surrounded himself with, Nehan understood that Six was different than him.

But was the different really that big to make his own salvation impossible? Nehan was beginning to doubt it.

“Please…let us help you.” Six’s ears lowered as he pleaded.

“I said I’ll help and I mean it!” Funf joined as well, but then gave the ground a guilty look. “The other day I panicked and ran away, but now I won’t…I’ll be strong!”

“Ridiculous…”

“Mugen help Nehan too!” Nehan turned his head towards the sudden addition – Mugen was walking towards them, that crew’s captain by his side.

“Mugen…” Nehan felt flustered. Perhaps, he realized, he’d fallen into a trap.

“Mugen understands how Nehan feels, so Mugen help.”

 _It’s easy to convince ourselves there’s no place we belong. And that feeling festers into hatred._ Song told him once.

“So, Mugen no longer leave Nehan alone, even if Nehan hate Mugen!”

“That’s right, that’s right! We’ll follow too if you have to.” Funf added and by Six’s body language that was his intention as well.

“I’ll have you know, one of the few things I did learn from Karm was excellent tracking. You won’t escape, Nehan.”

“Utterly ridiculous…” Nehan looked away, hiding his flustered face with his hand. “I’ve never hated you...”

The Draph looked dumbstruck, just as suddenly as he had appeared, he burst into tears. Nehan panicked briefly, while the captain started patting Mugen’s giant hand while. Funf joined too, patting his other hand trying to calm him down.

Nehan’s confusion passed and he realized that for the first time in his life, he was watching someone cry while happy.

“Nehan…” Six called him again, smiling as well. “Destiny may have pitted against each other in the past, but it needn’t be so. I want to be your friend.”

“Me and you? _Friends?_ ” Nehan bit back sharply. The captain chuckled as Six gave him a nervous look, and he looked ready to run.

“A …m-maybe?”

“Hmm…” Nehan stared back at him contemplating. Perhaps, not yet, but… “If you, for example, helped me moving the furniture in the infirmary, I’ll think about it.”

Six’s ears perked up.

“Yes, o-of course!”

…

Things were more peaceful afterwards. There was no big change to his life, but after that conversation, Nehan felt like a heavy load was lifted off his shoulder. Breathing and walking felt lighter – functioning felt easier. Some days were still difficult, but those around him were there to help him pieces back the pieces together.

His tiny room gradually transformed into an infirmary – he collected supplies and prepared himself to take care of the children and help those still suffering from withdrawal. It was the least he could do this and this new “job” gave him motivation – a sense of purpose and order. It felt like stability.

Mugen still brought him food – nowadays snacks and drinks, but Nehan was starting to suspect that this was all just a pretext for the Draph to spend more time with him.

“Nehan must eat.” Mugen started, voice firm. “Food give strength. Nehan need recover. Song said so.”

“Oh, is that so?” Nehan looked down at his food with amusement. “You’ve learned a lot from them…”

“Song helped me make food!” There was tea and cookies on the tray.

“Ah, you made this?” Nehan blinked. He ate a cookie and his pleasant surprise grew. His ears twitched and he took another one.

“Yes.” The giant Draph nodded energetically.

“It’s delicious.” He smiled at him.

_Mugen has grown much in my absence, but…I am happy I get to be here and see it._

“After snacks, um, for example…Mugen and Nehan, go for a walk!” Mugen laughed bashfully and Nehan nodded.

“Of course, but only if you help with bringing in the supplies. I have a lot of work and need some help…”

“Yes, anything!” Mugen was already rushing out to find more boxes to bring.

Indeed, there were many things to look forward to, so living wasn’t so bad, Nehan thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deeply appreciate your feedback, thank you for reading!
> 
> uh yeah, a bit late but better late than never---tehee,  
> somewhat regret it taking so long, but uh, lifes do be kinda ??? in 2020 and I dont know if I gave the entire...situation the justice it deserves,
> 
> I feel like, dealing with nehans whole trauma and mental health is pretty complicated, esp since he hasn't really had a support system, so I wanted to give my own "happy end" take
> 
> I have one more nehan oneshot idea thats about him during magasin days, but that one might take a while


End file.
